Sunday, July 27, 2008

I Think My Brain Chemistry is Off

This has been a not-great weekend. As my friend Sandy says, the "dark uglies" have been swirling around me all week and just culminated this weekend.

Per the "Sloppy Seconds" post earlier this week, my mom and I have not spoken since Tuesday. We usually talk every night - at least for a few minutes - to check in. I know I need to suck it up, but I am really just done playing the role of the "make nice girl" or the one who is always trying to smooth things over. Also, tired of taking a back seat to "The Show" as Osi and I refer to the Mettlers. Mom and Dad spend so much time (Dad especially) begging for scraps from The how and then just assume that we'll always be here, waiting to jump whenever The Show makes up its mind as to what the plans are going to be.

Jack put in one of my old marching band tapes yesterday and watched it. I literally (please note the correct usage of the word, people) bawled through the entire tape. Like the hard, soundless cry that leaves you exhausted. What the hell is THAT about? It got me thinking that I should have followed my gut my senior year in high school and been a music major. Is that what the relationship with Ben through most of college was... just one long sign from God that I was not supposed to be just hanging out at the School of Music (because my boyfriend was a music major) but that I was actually supposed to be taking classes in theory and drill writing? I had one of those "If I had it to do all over again..." moments where yeah, I realized I took the wrong path and should have been a band director. Or was that particular performance - the last marching performance of my high school career - the last time I felt deep-down soul-quenching happiness?

That lead me to question a lot of other major decision I have made in my like. (The ark Uglies" are exceptionally good at spiraling out of control once they take root in my brain.)

Of course, all of this could be the end result of forgetting to take my Effexor regularly for the past week and a half. My brain tends to crash and burn when I'm not on it. But that still doesn't resolve anything with my parents...

2 comments:

Smarmyscousin said...

I'm hoping we've caught you in time and there will be no need for an intervention!!! The uglies are bad! I get them periodically too! Why didn't I follow through with this, why did I do that, where would I be now if I...and so forth and so on. The what-ifs are a BITCH! Know that you are not alone. Now on to the sloppy seconds. Ok, there is this thing in life that resides in every family; I am certain of it. Every family has the kid who does things right. They are outstanding members of their community, they finished school, were always responsible for themselves and their actions, they are employed (no matter what the situation), and finally they never wish to be a burden on there familes or society. Then, there are the others. They will remain nameless, who always have the mentality they are owed something (entitlement). They are not responsible for themselves or their actions (little do they know that their actions are the reason they are where they are!) They have no qualms with burdening family members or society. Nothing is ever their fault. Now, you'd think the kid who stayed the course, the straight and narrow, would be the pride of the family. Not so. It's the others. They have a way of sucking the life out of the entire unit. They become the focus and are very convincing in their argument that their situation is never their fault; tehy are the victim. Therefore, they are always getting the attention, always felt sorry for, and always getting the pat of the back for any small, minute thing they may have done in the last decade. Then, their children are placed on a pedestal because after all, it's not their fault they're in the situation they are in. They did not choose this path or their parents. You have got your shit together; your mom and dad know this. Their effort in trying to maintain a relationship with the Show is throwing the family balance out of whack, essentially making you feel like sloppy seconds. I wish I could say something that would change your situation but unfortunately I do not have that magic potion. If I did, I would have sprinkled it all over my family many years ago. It sucks plain and simple. But if you stay firm on this one you might hurt the relationship you do have with your mom. Is it worth it? I gave up a long time ago with my mom. It still hurt but it was what it was. I still loved my mom and am glad we had the relationship we had up until the end. Food for thought....keep your chin up, it does get better! How can it not, you'll be seeing me here in the next couple weeks right?
~N

smarmygal said...

An eloquent bit of insight there, Nik. How is it that we seem to have been separated at birth and no one has told us? Perhaps it is a secret that will come out at a future FlemFest. No, no - I know what it is. We WERE switched at birth because they had to spread out the awesomeness.

Can you imagine, though, if we did switch siblings? We would be a happy family of act-together do-gooders, while, on the other hand, Teresa would have a run for her money for the family "black sheep" award.

I DID call mom last night. I told her it what she said was supremely uncool and she just said that she didn't mean it like that. Okydoky, Smokey. Moving along, because we'd better patch this up before FlemFest. You know The Show will have some drama happen so they won;t attend and mom and dad will be stuck with just us again ;)