This has been a not-great weekend. As my friend Sandy says, the "dark uglies" have been swirling around me all week and just culminated this weekend.
Per the "Sloppy Seconds" post earlier this week, my mom and I have not spoken since Tuesday. We usually talk every night - at least for a few minutes - to check in. I know I need to suck it up, but I am really just done playing the role of the "make nice girl" or the one who is always trying to smooth things over. Also, tired of taking a back seat to "The Show" as Osi and I refer to the Mettlers. Mom and Dad spend so much time (Dad especially) begging for scraps from The how and then just assume that we'll always be here, waiting to jump whenever The Show makes up its mind as to what the plans are going to be.
Jack put in one of my old marching band tapes yesterday and watched it. I literally (please note the correct usage of the word, people) bawled through the entire tape. Like the hard, soundless cry that leaves you exhausted. What the hell is THAT about? It got me thinking that I should have followed my gut my senior year in high school and been a music major. Is that what the relationship with Ben through most of college was... just one long sign from God that I was not supposed to be just hanging out at the School of Music (because my boyfriend was a music major) but that I was actually supposed to be taking classes in theory and drill writing? I had one of those "If I had it to do all over again..." moments where yeah, I realized I took the wrong path and should have been a band director. Or was that particular performance - the last marching performance of my high school career - the last time I felt deep-down soul-quenching happiness?
That lead me to question a lot of other major decision I have made in my like. (The ark Uglies" are exceptionally good at spiraling out of control once they take root in my brain.)
Of course, all of this could be the end result of forgetting to take my Effexor regularly for the past week and a half. My brain tends to crash and burn when I'm not on it. But that still doesn't resolve anything with my parents...