I have an interview today at 10:30 am at The Ohio Bar Assn. To be honest, I am not looking forward to it. Their reputation in the not-for-profit world - at least 5-7 years ago - is that it was a pretty crummy place to work. After a meltdown this evening of epic proportions (mine, not the toddler's), Osi suggested I cancel the interview. It interview. It is interviews in general.
I feel lost.
I hate knowing that I worked so hard and went into so much debt to finish school just to make crock pot dinners and potty train. I know being a mommy is an important job, but still, over $20K in loans...I should be doing something with that to bring in the cash, right?
On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified of going back to work. So much so that I feel stuck, almost paralyzed. I HATE being the "new kid" and being the only person who doesn't know someone in any situation. Especially when everyone else knows everyone else and they are all just forming opinions about me. Also, what if the Bar really DOES suck and I hate my job (doesn't everyone? It's the American way.)? I fear not being qualified and mucking up a job, a child and a marriage in the process.
On still another hand, I can't justify Jack going to daycare 3 days a week if I am not working. Money going out, no money coming in on my part. Jack does enjoy it and I believe he is better-adjusted kid because of it, but could we really tolerate one another for 365 days a year, non-stop? And what the hell kind of mother says those things?
Osi swears we can get by until Jack starts school if we dip into funds set aside for Jack's college. So, what? Jack can go into debt so that I can sit on my ass three days a week?
You can see how this is a slippery slope of a black hole. More often than not lately, I find myself lying in bed dealing with stomach pains caused by the white-hot poker of self-doubt.