Thursday, August 14, 2008

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole...

I have an interview today at 10:30 am at The Ohio Bar Assn. To be honest, I am not looking forward to it. Their reputation in the not-for-profit world - at least 5-7 years ago - is that it was a pretty crummy place to work. After a meltdown this evening of epic proportions (mine, not the toddler's), Osi suggested I cancel the interview. It interview. It is interviews in general.

I feel lost.

I hate knowing that I worked so hard and went into so much debt to finish school just to make crock pot dinners and potty train. I know being a mommy is an important job, but still, over $20K in loans...I should be doing something with that to bring in the cash, right?

On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified of going back to work. So much so that I feel stuck, almost paralyzed. I HATE being the "new kid" and being the only person who doesn't know someone in any situation. Especially when everyone else knows everyone else and they are all just forming opinions about me. Also, what if the Bar really DOES suck and I hate my job (doesn't everyone? It's the American way.)? I fear not being qualified and mucking up a job, a child and a marriage in the process.

On still another hand, I can't justify Jack going to daycare 3 days a week if I am not working. Money going out, no money coming in on my part. Jack does enjoy it and I believe he is better-adjusted kid because of it, but could we really tolerate one another for 365 days a year, non-stop? And what the hell kind of mother says those things?

Osi swears we can get by until Jack starts school if we dip into funds set aside for Jack's college. So, what? Jack can go into debt so that I can sit on my ass three days a week?

You can see how this is a slippery slope of a black hole. More often than not lately, I find myself lying in bed dealing with stomach pains caused by the white-hot poker of self-doubt.

2 comments:

Smarmy's cousin said...

C,
Again, you are not alone in these thoughts. Not only do stay at home mom's have these doubts about failure, so do us cat mommies! You would not be human if you didn't worry. I hated my last job and knew it was time to go but I was scared out of my mind leaving my comfort zone, being the new kid, what if I failed? But I made the leap and most days I'm glad I did, others I think WTF was I thinking. In some ways my job is very similar to my last but in others it's very different. I've been there 2 years but I still have this eerie feeling in my stomach, what if I fail? But what if I succeed? How cool is that? You have to think about the good that could from it too! You might take the leap and kick ass! (I'd put money on you kick ass!) Even though I don't have any little ones, I know enough people who do (I am a minority you know). It's a tough decision to make. Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself once in awhile. If you don't, who will? You're no good to anyone if your unhappy, right? Ever heard the saying, "If mama ain't happy, no one is happy!" Don't question your skills as a mommy. You do great! A real kind of mom wonders if she and her child can tolerate one another 24/7. Lastly, I wouldn't go back to work out of guilt. Do it because it's right for you. Don't lose sight of who you are, cause frankly... I like who you are!
~N

smarmygal said...

Thanks, Nik. This whole mommy thing is terrifying all the way around, but I mostly have it pretty good. A lot of leaps of faith. You just have to hope you're doing the right thing for everyone involved. Sometimes I swear to God I am certifiable and other days I swear I am the most sane person I know. in fact, sometimes that vascilates minute to minute! You rock. Thanks for the wors of encouragement :) They do, indeed, help!