Friday, January 2, 2009

Bewildered by the Bra

Now that my plant biology friend Erin has cleared up how we grow seedless things (oranges, watermelons, grapes) without seeds (it's splicing. Shhhhh...super-secret botany intel right there), I am free to ponder other things. Like why in the world would any woman, in her right mind, need an 18 Hour Bra?

I have owned many over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders in my life. Some of them comfortable, some of the fancy-schmancy (rarely does this combination exist simultaneously), NONE of which I cared to stay in for 18 entire hours.

Let us do the math here. Even on your best day, a day you might like to repeat a million times over - let's say your wedding day - you are not going to be in the same foundation garment for 18 straight hours. That would require being up, alert, showered and dressed by 6 a.m. (a miracle in itself at Chez Zimmer) and then staying that way all the way until midnight. MIDNIGHT, PEOPLE. What are you doing for 18 straight hours that you can't give The Girls a little relief?

And here is another question: What happens at 12:01? Poor Cinderella only had the misfortune of losing a Ferragamo and having to hoof it home. I shudder to think what would happen if, at the stroke of midnight, the 18 hour wonder simply collapses under the heft of my bosom with a flourish of metal and elastic (and likely snapping sounds). I could kill someone - or at least put their eye out. (Heh heh, that would make almost as good a story as "French Toast Induced Head Wound", no?)

I simply do not understand to whom Playtex is marketing. Senior Vice Presidents who like to party after work? Working mothers with dinner meetings? I cannot comprehend why someone would voluntarily wear an 18 Hour Bra. Am I over-thinking this?

While we're over-thinking, here is something that'll rock your world. Since bananas have no seeds, all the bananas in the world are virtually the SAME PLANT. We could endure a banana famine should just the right disease strike the banana crop. Every single plant would be wiped out.

There is some super-secret botany intel I just don't need to know. I mean, how hearty are bananas? Are they hearty enough to endure 18 hours in a Wonder Bra?


Tammy Howard said...

Perhaps your question was rhetorical, but here's how I see it: All bras have a time limit. I know the minute I've hit it. I'm fine - fine - fine - ooooooh - not so fine! Get me outta this thing! I suppose by implying that their brassiere will not hit that point until after any reasonable person has taken it off anyway, the true implication is that it will be comfortable the whole time you have it on.

And now, darn you, my earworm for the day seems to be the Otto Titzling song from Beaches. So thanks for that. Except not.

Jenny Penny said...

Okay, I have to confess that I have, and indeed often do, spend 18+ hours in the same bra. Gross am I! But I have always slept in a bra, despite being told that it will give me some sort of cancer. I just feel so weird without a bra . Also, as a nursing mom, going without a bra (which holds in my nursing pads) leads me to spray various things and people unintentionally with my dairy. :)

That said, I thoroughly enjoyed t his entry -- especially the part about the bursting open of your bra at 18 hours + 1 sec...