My Dog is a Hot Mess

When we were looking to obtain a pooch, I said I wanted one "with personality." Frannie the Wonder Mutt has that in spades. In fact, we often joke that she has multiple personalities.

When taken to the dog park, Frannie wants nothing to do with the other dogs. She will, however, go to up to each and every human and greet them. We have decided that Fran thinks she is a person - and she is NOT a dog person.

Ms. Francesca Grace was NOT down with the new addition to the family three years ago. As far as she was concerned, she had been replaced. For the first 2 years, Fran basically let Jack live, because he seemed important to us, and also he drops food. You know the old joke that the kid is so ugly you had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him? Well, give Jack a cookie and he has Frannie's' undivided attention. The vet once said that, because she is part lab, she is "highly motivated by food." That is the understatement of the decade. I once saw that little bitch complete a cookie-snatching drive-by, snatching a cookie out of our then 1-year-old niece's fingers. She never knew what happened. Fran never even stopped. Just walked by casually and the cookie was gone.

Osi likes to give Fran table scraps. A practice that I am OK with occasionally, but Os views as a "food = love" situation. Because of this, our 60 pound dog ways 85 pounds. She also frequently eats herself sick. Like a little canine bulimic. Ever try scrubbing freshly-regurgitated cottage cheese out of a rug? It is no picnic, friend.

Also on Fran's list of faults, she hates a bath like Cheney hates transparency. Jack and I attempted to bathe her royal highness on Wednesday. It did not go well. First off, her head is about the size of an underdeveloped coconut when wet. Stick that on the body of an 85 pound dog and what you have is just not pretty. he also gets what we call "crazy eyes" in the tub. So the entire time she is being cleaned, Her eyes are wide and they are constantly darting around the room, looking for a quick escape. Jack, for his part, stood in the doorway holding his ears (his sign of worry) and kept backing out of the room, as if to say "I want no part of this. I tried to talk her out of it Dude. I will not be a party to this."

Here's the thing, Frannie has such a cute face. She has come a long way since we got her over 5 years ago, in letting us love her to pieces. She would not tolerate a puppy hug for the first year. Now, she can lay in bed and be spooned and cuddled while only crying quietly. I mean really, what 5 year relationship doesn't have those moments? :)

We love our neurotic, hot mess of a dog. We love her because she is sweet and gentle and is happy to see us when we come home. We love her because even though she pretends to loathe Jack, she goes into his room every morning, tail wagging, to say good morning. We love her because, when we accidentally leave the gate open, we find her on the front porch, hanging out and greeting neighbors.

She's a hot mess, alright. But she's OUR hot mess. Really, she fits right in.