I've recently had a bit of a revelation. Although it has long been a running joke that I can be bitter, in the last few weeks, I have examined just how angry a person I actually am. And it isn't healthy. Not physically, not emotionally and certainly not for my current relationships.
For some of you, this is no surprise. Others may think I am not that angry at all. Actually, I'm not sure what A LOT of people think about me, but sure do spend way too much time thinking about it.
There is an absurdly long list of people at whom I am livid, dating all the way back to seventh grade. Now, as a realist, I know there is an excellent possibility that these gals have grown up to be decent human beings. That their own children may even be suffering the kind of torment that they put me through and that, as mothers, their hearts are breaking. Even if that is not the case, they may be just decent people now. So I need to let it go. The hurt those seventh-graders did made me who I am today, and I can't really change that. Except I can.
There's the normal list of ex-boyfriends (just one, really) and people who hurt those close to me - some continue to do so an a weekly basis. The point, again, is that is an absurdly long list. I need to forgive those people in my heart and learn to KEEP forgiving (if those people happen to be family) and keep moving forward.
I wondered aloud last night if the funny was tied to the anger. To which Feeb replied "You're not really that funny to begin with." (She's on the list now.) Funny's what I've got. Funny's what I know. Funny is the armor AND the sword.
Then I think about my friend Sandy, who I believe really is centered, has her priorities straight, and doesn't hold grudges. She is literally the funniest person I know. So, that blows my angry = funny theory, which was my security blanket.
So, where to begin? Do I just say out loud: "Jodi Marshall, Erin Murray, I forgive you."? Will the universe accept that? I dunno. I guess that is where I will begin and hope that my heart lifts a little with each name I say aloud. If not, I'll just turn the whole thing into a stand-up routine (which Feeb, apparently, would not pay to see...) ;)
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I've got a pretty good mad streak myself, though I'm not sure I'm a grudge-holder. Grudgery is drudgery to me. I'm reading A Year of Living Biblically and just read a section where the author comes to terms with the fact that his brand of forgiving has always been forgiveness with an asterisk. That might be me, and I'm not glad for it. You, too? At any rate, I beg to differ with your friend Feeb. You are quite funny. It is not, however, all you've got goin' for ya. Let me know if you find the magic key to calm. I'll want to borrow it.
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