Dear Neighborhood Idiots...

It is once again the eve of Trick-or-Treat; that sacred tradition of shaking down people you barely know for obscene amounts of sugar. As I survey my neighborhood and those around me, I see a host of ghosts and goblins, a few witches and one or two undead. Which brings me to my rant...

Last year the dufus across the street sat on his porch in a full body werewolf costume waiting to pass out candy to little kids. His son, the youngest of three knuckle-dragging brothers, lurked in the tree suspended over the driveway. As we were just beneath him, the little shit jumped down - in full on "guy from Scream" outfit and scared the bejeezus out of our troop, which ranged in age from 2 - 4.

OK. I get that you L-O-V-E Halloween. I get that you like to scare people (I live across the street from you and, let me tell you, you terrify me on a weekly basis). I am asking, for the sake of 4-year-olds with vivid imaginations and savant like memories everywhere - Could you PLEASE tone it down this year?

Should we not participate in Halloween? A lot of orthodox religions don't. Lots of right wing Christians and most orthodox Jews just ignore it. But, to me, it is part of being a kid. It is FUN to dress up and parade around the neighborhood and get free candy. So who is wrong here?

I really do believe that Beggars' Night is for the kids. My rules are 1) You must have a costume, 2) You must say Trick-or-Treat (followed promptly by "thank you") and 3) You must not yet have boobs or a baso profundo vocce. I think this keeps us to the 11 and under crowd, no? So if trick-or-treat is for the kids, why are we trying to scare the hell out of them. How, exactly, is that funny?

The real world id terrifying enough. Cripe, I honestly thought I was going to have to explain the concept of war to my 4-year-old during "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" I don't remember questioning my mom about why Snoopy, the "WWI Flying Ace" was being shot at. Maybe that is the part of the show when I went potty or retrieved my Dolly Madison snack cake from the kitchen. My kid, however, looked a little concerned and I sat there, waiting for the question (which, thankfully, did not come).

So I am asking, pleading, nay, BEGGING on this Beggars' Night to please tone it down. Remember that these are little kids with bog fears already. Let's not add to the mental and emotional scars Mommy and Daddy are already amassing.