Happy Halloween, Dumb Ass

Trick-or-Treat was last night in Bexley. Because two of the CM's live in an area that includes "acreage" instead of neighbors, we invited Mandie and Erin to come have their kids participate in thr Annual Candy Grab. We all had dinner beforehand and wrangled 4 toddler/preshoolers and an infant into costumes for the parade around Cassingham.

I am THRILLED beyond words to report that this year's T-o-T went so much more smoothly than last year's. Not one door was opened and he only attempted to shut one. That is a huge thing in this house. I think J was too busy trying to act exactly like Jakob to remember his (waning) obsession with doors.

It all went incredibly well until the idiot across the street (he of the extraordinarily loud Porche at 11 pm and 6:40 am) decided to get into the Halloween spirit.

Now, the kids ranged in age from 2 - 5. All of them are small and impressionable and all of them had on precious, non-scary costumes. This should be your first indication that they are in it for the pure, innocent fun of a little kid's Halloween.

So what would posses the 10-year old across the street to JUMP OUT OF A TREE, wearing a "Scream" mask and try to scare these poor kids? Oh, wait, I see...

That would be his Dumb Ass father, sitting on the porch handing out candy. This is a man in the throes of a mid-life crisis and apparently he is going to take it out on everyone - including the under 6 set. There he sits, in full costume with a monster mask and a bright orange wig. He can see our group approaching very hesitantly. So what does this moron do? He begins cackling at these poor kids! Poor Jakey froze and Jazmine screamed and ran the other direction. Derek - being of a challenging stock to begin with - marched forward as to say "Give me my damn candy, you lunatic." Jack seemed, thankfully, unfazed. What the hell would possess this guy to TRY and scare a bunch of pre-schoolers?! I think he may be clinically retarded.

I completely understand that there is a segment of the adult population that adores Halloween. Fantastic! Have a party and dress up in a costume that includes a mask with blood actively running down your face (we saw that last night, too). Invite other like-minded folks who want the bejeezus scared out of them. That is awesome. But for the love of all that is holy, could you please try to be a decent human and not emotionally scar the 4 year olds?

Drugs are a Wonderful Thing (uh, I mean, "Just Say No," Kids)

I got back on my Effexor over the weekend and feel much, much better. It is insane (kinda literally) how awful I feel without it. I think the pregnancy/post-partum hormones flipped a switch that was always there, flickering on and off. The hormones flipped it permanently to "on" and the Effexor is kind of like The Clapper. "Clap ON!" (HAPPY!) "Clap OFF!" (swirling dark ugliness from which you will never emerge!) Thank God for the development of anti-depressants.

In other happy news, it snowed for the first time here today! (I know, Jenny - doom. Can I send some Effexor your way?) I L-O-V-E snow. Love everything about it. Don't mind driving in it if I am by myself, don't really mind shoveling in. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! It was just flurries, but it was perfect. I walked the dog and turned my face up into the cold like normal people do on a gorgeous sunny day (when I am hiding inside with my AC on full blast).

Finally, we had a great get-together last night. We have fallen in with a great group of people from Temple and all of them (sans Wendy, sadly) were able to convene at Chez ZImmer last night for pizza, beer and a reminder of how much we enjoy each other's company. What an awesome way to end the weekend. Speaking of friends...

Someone mentioned that I am way too hard on my friends on this Blog. Feeb - you read regularly and are the topic of a post occasionally. What say you? I argued that most of the people I skewer I would not consider "friends" but FAMILY. Lord knows I have drug my sisters-in-law through the mud and the ringer on this blog and feel not at all remorseful about it. My sister has gotten her fair share of "ink" as well, but doesn't have this address to the Blog, so it's kinda just talking to my friends about family issues. Except that I really don't know who stumbles upon this writing.

That being said, this is my place to vent, so I don;t have to bore all of my friends with my own personal bullshit, so I apologize if my venting offends. I hope it does not. I am guessing if you have read more than one post here, we'd probably get along swimmingly.

A Mish Mosh of Random Thoughts

1. Cousin of Smarmy was down this weekend. This only made me wish she lived here permanently. Not in my house, mind you, just in town. (While I love you, Nik, I think we are old enough to have a need for our own spaces.) After a trip to Smith's for an apple cider slushie that she swears was every bit as good as I promised (OH, if only we had had fried Twinkies, too!), we ventured to The Circleville Pumpkin Show. We drove 25 minutes south of Columbus to sit in 90 minutes of traffic to walk around with 50,000 of our closest friends and look at some gigantic gourds. Well, now we've had THAT experience. I am so very glad that Nikki came and I need to go visit her next.

2. My sister is FINALLY divorcing that life-sucking, blood-letting nothing of an asshole she mistakenly married 6 years ago. She announced this the week of my birthday. Happy Birthday to Me! Remember how in my "Things about me" blog post, I mentioned there are some people that - should I see them on the sidewalk - I would attempt vehicular manslaughter? This motherfucker is now number 1A on my list. He is just taking up oxygen at this point and is a complete waste of carbon. I understand that God does not make mistakes, but this is certainly NOT one of his best efforts.

3. Girls' Night Out is IMPOSSIBLE to plan and this is frustrating the bejeezus out of me. We all say (or the majority of us, anyway) say how much we really, really, want to make time for each other. Then we schedule ourselves so insanely full or crap (myself included) that we have to plan 2 months out just to have dinner. I hate this because some of the commitments are bogus (mine included). We seriously need to re-prioritize if we are going to repossess any morsel of our sanity, ladies. This means you (and me).

4. Have I mentioned I'd like to run over my soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law with a dump truck? Oh, maybe I have.

5. I need to learn that going to the Columbus zoo in the morning, pre-nap is a really, really bad idea. The Toddler then falls asleep for the 20 minutes it takes to get home and awakens during the car-to-bed transfer and refuses to go back to sleep. This makes for a cranky toddler and even crankier mommy. Either the zoo is a pm trip or I just give up on naps on those days. (This is the sound of me banging my head against the wall. I was gonna SHOWER today, dammit!!!)

6. I spend way too much time on Face Book. I am unashamed to admit it and I find it fascinating. You should too. Like salads, everyone is doing it.

7. I am truly dreading going to the Sisterhood opening meeting tonight. Thank God Almighty for Mel, who will be there suffering with me. I plan to eat my fill of "a hearty soup" and then get the hell out of there. The attendance numbers are LOW, which makes me feel like a putz, because the idea for the program was mine. I feel personally responsible for the failure of this program, thus the dread.

8. I had really vivid and bizarre dreams last night. Two of the three of them had me calling to someone "Wait for me! PLEASE!" What does that mean? Also, Michelle Obama apparently interviewed me for the COSI job and, in another bizarre turn of events, I was on a 3 person swim relay team with two of my high school friends. The third dream had me managing a carnival ping pong game with former boyfriend and full-time knucklehead, Ben. What the hell?

9. A garbage truck would also work for the crushing of ex-B-I-L. Just a thought. And probably a more appropriate vehicle anyway.

10. I applied for a job with the Greater Columbus Arts Council yesterday. I thought the title of the job was hilarious, so I applied. It was "Festival Organizer/Receptionist." Columbus has a nationally-recognized Arts Festival here every year. It involves about 300 artists, live music, performance art, etc. It really is top-notch. SO, apparently, some of my time would be spent organizing this fantasmagorical festival. Apparently, the rest of my time would be spent answering phones. I thoroughly expect to see a "Bee keeper/mechanical engineer" position posted soon.

So, those are my random thoughts. What's new with YOU?

Holy Mother of All Interviews, Batman

I have come through the fire of the COSI interview and I have lived. I am ALLIIIIVVVEEEE! Said interview took two and one half hours. I am a shell of the woman I once was.

It seriously wasn't that bad. It didn't start out great, which is unfortunate, because I started with the hiring manager. After 45 minutes of aimless rambling, she brought in a grant writer and the director of promotions, with whom I fared much better. I talked to them for abut 45 more minutes and then they brought in one of the most fabulous people I have ever met. I want to go drinking with Emily Rhoades, Business Analyst. She has a big, load laugh that I love and she uses it freely. She asked good questions that were easily answered and she smiled just as easily. And she was wearing jeans. I adored her. I want to be her friend. Which is ironic, because one of the questions she asked was "How important is it to you to have friends in the workplace?" I should have answered "Not at all as long as the only friend is youuuuuuu." Overkill? Creepy? Possibly.

I was the second interview of 5 and they are bringing back the top 2 to meet with the VPs. Here's hoping!

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

My friend Sandy used to have the unfortunate job of "talking me off a ledge" when I worked at the Society. It was a task she performed dutifully, extraordinarily well and, sadly, alarmingly often considering that we worked for a not-for-profit.

Since I've been home for the last three year, the job of ledge-talking has fallen to my mom. Not that Sandy (also know to many as "Tata Snappy") has been demoted, she is just an awesomely suave gal who has not yet spawned, so her experience in the realm of the toddler who had actually pushed me to the edge was limited.

I am getting ready to re-enter the workforce. A leap that has me both excited (Daily adult conversation! Mental stimulus beyond matching socks! ) and terrified (How will I function on "the outside" with my new priorities? Am I doing the right thing? How many ways can one woman fail in a lifetime?). I just celebrated my 35th birthday and I think it is high time I become my own ledge-talker. More like Loony-whisperer, really. I tend to get inside my own head and whip myself into a neurotic frenzy about, well, nothing.

I have a second interview with COSI on Monday for the position of Development Writer and Editor. I have already been besieged by the Dark Uglies, telling me I have no chance at this job because I have never written a grant proposal in my life. (whip, whip. Frenzy, frenzy!).

I have also just completed a job application for the position of "clerk" at the Bexley Public Library. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Really, I can't even fall back on the whole "sexy librarian" think that bimbo Palin has going on, because that would require "sexy." I have "frumpy librarian" down pat, though.

So here is what my life has been boiled down to. I've gone from running a statewide volunteer program with a budget of hundreds of thousands of dollars and managing two full-time staff to questioning if I have the qualifications to stamp books at the library. Being a stay-at-home mom really can crush you, if it weren't for the things like cuddling the Jack this morning under a warm blanket in our jammies and eating homemade rice krispy treats. Those are the tiny moment I have to hang on to. Those are the moments that will eventually become my ledge-talkers.