So Here's The Deal

In July, Jack was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, which is more letters than he is old. Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. Osi and I thought maybe we were looking at a kid with some OCD tendencies, what we got was a diagnosis that placed us squarely on the Autism Spectrum.

If you read back about a year, I was railing against people who thought Jack needed tested because of the constant fascination with doors. As time wore on, however, and we met with the social worker at Jack's school (yes, his preschool has an in-house LISW, and we are thankful every day for her), it became obvious that the door fascination was just the beginning.

So in July, we had him tested at Nationwide Children's Autism Center here in Columbus. People always ask if it is Asperger's Syndrome. It is not. Not that glamorous, folks. It's just Autism. Not "capital A Autism" as some people refer to it, but again, on the spectrum, which is scary enough.

You never want to hear that your kid is anything less than perfect. So it has taken months for us to come out with this info. We literally told my parents, Osi's sisters and 2 sets of close friends in the first month. We were in denial and after that we were grieving. We didn't tell people because we didn't want people to treat him any differently. But if you're reading this, then you have likely met Jack and you know him. Great kid - a little quirky. You likely love him anyway.

Now I am in the let's kick this thing's ass mode. Which is why I have given notice at work and am devoting myself full time to getting Jack the help he needs. The longer I sat tied to the phones, unable to take or make calls or do any research or any kind, make appointments or get information for 8 hour stretches, the more I felt like the worst mother ever. I knew what my first priority was, and there I sat, not doing a damn thing about it. So, my last day of full time employment is Oct. 23. Can I afford to quit? Sure cannot. Can I afford not to? No way.

Already I am beginning to feel the heaviness lift. I feel ready to fight, rather than the crushing whirlwind I was caught up in just a week ago. With a decision made, I feel we at least have a direction. Is it the right one? Only hindsight will tell us. It is the right decision for us with the information we have right now.

Some people are in denial. Saying that if you ask for a diagnosis - whether or not anything is wrong - they will give you one. That there is nothing wrong with Jack. Others say"my kids misbehave, too." We're all resilient. Jack most of all. Hope you'll support us in our journey - it should be an interesting ride.

Trying to Learn, trying to grow

The last few weeks have been very busy here at Chez Zimmer. We were in the crush of the High Holy Days and with all the repenting and atoning, one has litle time for blogging.

Honestly, though, I have tried very hard to take the themes of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur seriously. I am a believer that we should try every day to be a better person that we were yesterday. But these two days, and the 10 days in between, really crystallize that feeling for me. My heart aches with the wrong I have done and the potential I have not fulfilled. I want so much to be what God expects of me, but fall prey all too often to my human faults - anger and bitterness the quickest to come. So I find it hard to sit through a service during this time of year without shedding tears - if not all out sobbing.

Which makes that fact that I was asked to sit on the bima (altar, for all you goyem out there) all that more challenging. My Sisterhood co-president, Mel, and I - along with the Brotherhood president, were all guests on the bima for the services beginning Rosh Hashanah (think of it at the Jewish New year's Eve). My focus, for most of the evening, was keeping my knees closed, adjusting my dress so my gut didn't look larger than it was, and being mildly amused at Artie Isaac knocking the rock of Lary Pliskin as he came off the bima from closing the ark. All of these led me to to reflect on Reform Judaism.

Some things you won't see at an Orthodox temple:
a) a woman on the bima.
b) a woman in a dress short enough where she is worried enough to have to keep her knees together
c) Artie Isaac knocking the rock of Larry Pliskin

At least 2 out of 3 of these things make me very proud to be a Reform Jew. You can decide which 2.

The last two weeks also also afforded me another opportunity to try a children's service with Jack. Once again, several of his JCC classmates were thee, sitting quietly. Once again, Jack had the attention span of someone half his age and we had to leave the service because he was disruptive. It is very difficult to watch. To have your kid not physically be able to act his age and not be able to explain to other parents that he is not a bad kid and you are not a bad parent. I want to get a little "We're On the Spectrum" yarmulke for him. While Jack is, what the doc called "high functioning" it is unmistakable that he is NOT like other kids his age when you see him in a room with them. It is then that this knowledge smacked me in the face; at 9:45 on the morning of Yom Kippur, throwing me into full emotional meltdown in the staff bathroom. Thank God I have connections or I would have been sobbing on the floor of one of the 20 stalls of the public restroom.

It has been a hard two weeks, but not without its triumphs.

Today was Jack's fourth birthday. We had a small party with just family and four of Jack's buddies at the JCC playground. We played pin the tail on the donkey, ate cake and climbed/jumped/slid until our hearts were content. We are thankful for every day with Jack - even the ones filled with challenges. But more often than not, they are filled with cuddles and laughs.

For instance, when trying to decide, in the 11th hour, what kind of cake to make for his birthday, here is the discussion my son and I had last night:

Me: What kind of cake do you want for your birthday?
Jack: Chocolate. With chocolate icing!
Me. Right. But what do you want it to LOOK like?
Jack: A CAKE, Mommy.

Because, yeah, I'm the idiot.

I am still learning.

Week 5: Still Learning

1. When a preschool teacher says your son has gotten dirty - so dirty she had to change his clothes - put said clothes in the wash to soak immediately. Jack's beige shorts are on wash #6 after I left them for 3 days waiting for laundry day. A mistake a will not repeat. How do they get so dirty? At school???

2. Do not talk at customer service goal meetings. I have not yet learned this first-hand. This was a friendly heads up from someone who likes me and would like to see me keep my job.

3. Fresh, warm apple-crisp goes a long way to making friends in the office. Especially if your boss has a sweet tooth.

4. Wear a long skirt when your scheduled to sit on the bima (altar) for High Holy Days. I spent most of the 2 hours I was up there Friday night trying to make sure I wasn't pulling a Sharon Stone on about 500 or so congregants. "Happy New Year! Have a Peek at My Goodies!" I am pretty sure the rescind the conversion certificate for stuff like that.

5. Confirming what I thought I learned last year - one of the major reasons I converted were the prayers in the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services. Very powerful and meaningful for me. Avinu Malkeinu (Our Father, Our King) has made me cry every year since the beginning.

6. Finally, I learned that if I am to take this repent and be a better person thing seriously, I am going to have to come to terms with my parent's second-class treatment of my son. I cannot both be a better person and hold a grudge. I need to make my peace with the fact that they will always love Donovan more - not differently, just plain MORE - and move on. They love Donovan like a near suffocated person loves air. I wish my son has a grandparent who loved him like that. It will have to be enough that his dad and I both do. I don't want to spend my life bitter about it, but it is really, really hard not to be mad and sad about it. I am struggling with this. Avinu Malkeinu, shema kolleinu.

An Enlightening Week: Week 4

1. A sick day is sometimes completely necessary. Management may not believe this, but let me assure you, I should have taken one on Wednesday, when I found the following words escaping my heavily medicated mouth:

Customer: Well, how big is the 16 quart colander?

Me: (Wanting to avoid the obvious answer of "well, dude, it's about 16 quarts, giver or take") Well, you could wash a baby in it, but I wouldn't recommend a teenager.

Hand to God, I have no idea how I am still employed. After going in and feeling even worse on Thursday, I left an hour into my shift. I think after reading this they should thank me. I might have actually been COSTING them customers all day Wednesday.

2. Sometimes I overreact and it may be harsh but it also may be completely justified. This can also be read as Billy Joel's excellently worded "You may be right. I may be crazy." After a week of a pesky sinus infection that has had me on large doses of antibiotics for that long and has caused vertigo and headaches for longer than that, I had had enough of hearing about a particular Sisterhood issue. I snapped, man. I threatened to resign the presidency should a particular member not remove herself from my bottom (in no uncertain terms). This is a member, God lover her, who is very involved and also believes that I have a right to her opinion on everything. In 2 words: I overreacted. On the other hand, I haven't heard boo since. It was completely the wrong way to handle the situation and I have since apologized, but there is really only so much a gal can take.

3. I may have found my happy place today.

Erin, Naomi and I took our boys apple-picking for the second year in a row. Jack did OK last year but thoroughly enjoyed himself this time out. Being in the warm sunlight, lifting up my son and the sons of my oldest friends, listening to them squeal with laughter and shout with excitement...it was just this side of heaven. Seeing Jack have such a good time, interacting with his peers and watching them all grow up together made me extraordinarily grateful.

I am so thankful that these girls have stuck with me through thick and thin. These are the women I call in a childcare crisis, in a personal crisis, when I need mommy advice. I am so very thankful for them and I don't tell them that often enough. I love you guys and are so glad you're part of my happy place :)

What I Have Learned: Week 3

Continuing in The Education of Mrs. Zimmer, I would like to post a few nuggets of enlightenment gained this week.

1. Helen Gurley Brown is full of shit.

Really, need I say more? Ladies, we cannot have it all. And really, do we want to? It exhausts us, if we allow ourselves to admit it. I don't like to half-ass anything. Unfortunately, since once again becoming employed, everything has been half-assed. Friendships, the housework, relationships with my husband and kid, volunteer work - you name it. Some of my dearest girlfriends summed it up as such: you get used to it. We laughed and toasted half-assed as the new all-the-way. I simply cannot have it all. Nor do I want it all.

2. This job was the absolute right choice for me. Had I made the choice to pursue the better title and all the grandeur and stress and driving and travel that comes with it, I would hate myself right about now. I would be making slightly better money, be in my chosen field and have a fabulous title, but wake up every morning hating myself. That's one helluva compromise. I will settle on saying the name Wasserstrom about a million times in a week.

3. Grilled cheese is still the world's best comfort food. Don't even try to argue with me on this one. When, as Paul Simon so aptly put it, I am weary and feeling small, I just want a grilled cheese sandwich and a piping hot bowl of tomato soup. Preferably Campbell's. I have had people try to soothe me with chicken soup, spaghetti, and meatloaf (not all at once, mind you). While thoughtful, all of these were far inferior to the humble grilled cheese.

4. The people in my group at work are pretty cool. They roll with my stupid mistakes and are really trying hard to help me. We laugh a lot and try hard to work as a team. That's really nice.

4a. One of the aforementioned cool person's names is Roxanne. I have to stop myself about 18 times a day from singing her name out loud a la Sting. She don't have to put on her red light. In three weeks there, I have only done this twice. Considering the number of times I have WANTED to do it, this is an amazing feat of self-restraint.

5. Who my friends are. I have not completely learned this yet, but I have a feeling it is coming (not unlike Eli). These are the people who don't lose touch, who are the support network and who roll with it when I have been out of touch for three weeks. As Jack grows and develops, these will be the people we rely on - the people who will be in pictures at his birthdays and family gatherings. They may or may not have kids, or kids his age, but they love us and him no matter our challenges.