Blahhhhhhhg.

I have survived my first week of work. I find that, while I am not catching on as quickly as the other 2 people in my training class, I am enjoying learning new things. While the "things" I am learning may be mundane, I am still learning. Feeling useful and helping a company - which is locally owned - do a decent business. I feel that if I put my best into it every day, I can be proud of it. I am having actual conversations with adults and using my brain to earn income. PLEASE - how am I not paying them???

Osi stayed home with The Prince all week, as the JCC was closed for teacher training and general cleanup. I am happy to report that everyone came through with flying colors. Osi is sad to go back to work on Monday and Jack has been in his glory hanging with Daddy all week. They've been to the grocery store, the post office, Target and McDonald's. Everyone was happy. Jack has been mad at me all week, but that is to be expected. It hurts my feelings, but we'll get into a groove, I'm sure.

I am finding that I very little time for ANYTHING else, though. I leave the house at 7:30 in the morning, have 30 mintues for lunch, am not allowed to use the company computers for personal e-mail or Internet use and get home at 5p.m. Between 5 and 8 there is dinner to get on the table, laundry to do and all the Jack and Osi time I can squeeze in. I find myself turning in shortly after Jack does, at 9:15. I have no energy left for anything left.

So the Blog, Sisterhood e-mails and responsibilities and all other non-mission-critical items have been put on hold. Hope you'll all bare with me as I transition...

Feh.

I may be in the midst of an existential crisis. Or a panic attack. Or, I may just be freaking out a little. Either way, something is going on with a) my tummy, b) my blood pressure and c) my tear ducts (as in, they are leaking frequently this evening).

I start work on Monday. At a job. Outside of the house. With adults. Who expect me to LEARN STUFF. And then answer questions for other adults in a clear and concise manner. WTF? Have they met me? OK. The job outside the house I can do. Probably. At least, I won't get fired in the first month or so. That's a goal, right?

But then there is my OTHER job. My ACTUAL full-time, always-on-my-mind, on the clock even when I am sleeping job. You know the one: Mom-Wife-Maid-Cook-SupplierOfAllThingsAnyoneNeedsEVER. That one. THAT is the one I am freaking out over.

My husband comes home every night and, after a dinner I have, 90% of the time, made, promptly begins dozing on the couch. I mean complete with snoring. How many, by show of hands, believe that I will be able to get away with this?

Right. That's what I thought.

Because if I come home and - after a meal has magically appeared on the table - I start snoring on the couch, several things will happen. Well, several things will actually NOT happen:

1. Jack will not be bathed.
2. Laundry will not get done.
3. Floors will not get vacuumed.
4. Sheets will not get changed.
5. Dishes may or may not get done.
6. All potty-training and discipline ceases to exist.
7. Stories will not be read.
8. Songs will not be sung.
9. Middle of the night calls for Mommy will not be answered.
10. Groceries will not be purchased.

These are just the things I can think of while continuously typing. As you can see, my mind is reeling a bit.

I understand - in my addled brain, that women work every day all over the world and you know what? Their kids are fed and bathed and their homes do not fall down around them. Many of these heroic women are single mothers. I swear to you right now I do NOT undersand - just plain do not comprehend how these women do it. Hats off to you, ladies.

But this is new. And I am scared.

J-O-B

I am officially employed. Well, I will be, anyway, when I start in the customer service center at The Wassersrtom Company. I am calling it a starter job. It is my first job out of the gates of the stable that is stay-at-home momhood.I am extremely thankful that we wil once again be a two-income household. It also likely helped that we not only know the president of The Wasserstrom Company, but that we reguarly attend his daughters' birthday parties. There is a fmaily entanglement there that is too complicated to explain here, bu I will say it again - I am very thankful.

I was a finalist for a job in Zanesville, 45 minutes away. The title - admittedly NOT a starter job - was Assistant Executive Director. As fantastic as that title tasted in my mouth, there was much more travel involved than I could stomach and I could spend 1.5 hours on the road three days a week, 45 weeks a year. Those other 7 weeks? Travel to the West Coast and elsewhere. So I swallowed my pride and took my name out of the running when Wassestrom offered me a position.

The down side is that this is a one year temporary position. But is it really a down side? Ideally, I would like to work my way up and be management again someday. Well, let's face it - ideally, I would like to be a director of membership somewhere, but I have apparently done irreparable damage to my career by staying at home with J for 4 years.

I would not trade a minute of it. For as much as I have second-guessed my ability to make a serious decision NOT having to do with family matters or dinner, I would do it all over again. I would stay home and be here for Jack as long as I could, and just keep volunteering to activate my "non-Mommy brain."

When I call this new job a "starter job" it isn't a dig. It really is. It is a job where I can do a great job in a familiar environment - I have excelled at customer service several times before. It is a job where I can regain my professional confidence. Where I can decide where we go from here. I am indeed, very thankful.

Stress Makes Mommy Flat

My son has a repertoire of songs he asks me to sing before bedtime each night. For those interested, those songs are, in order, "O Seh Shalom" (Bryan Zive version), "Hashkiveinu" (Danny Maseng version), "Baby Mine" (from the movie "Dumbo") and "Hey Jude." That two of the songs are sung in Hebrew is both funny and sweet for me. It has forced me to learn the words are really know what I am singing and it lets Jack hear the words of the Jewish liturgy from a very young age.

The bedtime songs tonight, however, were off. They were flat, to be precise. No matter how hard I tried, I kept dipping a half step or so too low and everything sounded off...and awful. Haskiveinu, the prayer for peace, was especially horrible in my ears this evening. Jack, God bless him, didn't seem to notice or mind.

I just could not concentrate on the songs tonight with everything else racing though my mind.

I have a second interview tomorrow in Zanesville (about an hour's drive) for a job I very much want at 10 a.m. This is nerve-wracking in itself, but I know that I am qualified and would do an excellent job for this company if hired. This is really the least of my worries, believe it or not. (Prayers still very much appreciated, though.)

We went to Cincinnati this weekend to visit the folks. Once we got there, the AC started making a horrible racket and stopped blowing cool air. A slight problem, as it is July and we had a long ride both back to Columbus and then to Zanesville in professional attire on Monday. To tell the truth, I contemplated not getting it looked at because we really don't have the cash lying around to fix it. But we found a Firestone open on Sunday and took it in.

Good thing we did.

Once they replaced the compressor and started flushing it with freon, they found that the liquid (is it gas? I have no earthy idea...) was going nowhere. Apparently when the compressor disintegrated, metal started just free-flowing through our car's system. Now it is stuck God knows where, rendering the car un-drivable. In Cincinnati. On Sunday. At 6 p.m.

So you can see my predicament.

The current estimate on the car is well over $1000 bucks. The best solution we could come up with is that I bring Jack and my nephew (who had gone with us) back to Columbus in my dad's car and my husband would stay with the dog in Cincy and await the ever-increasing repair costs on the CR-V.

So here I sit, on the eve of a great (hopefully) opportunity, sans husband, dog and car, trying to figure out how to get myself interview-ready and out the door with a three and a half year old in time to be an hour a way by 9:45 tomorrow morning.

To quote Robert DeNiro in "Analyze This,"... "I got stress."

To top it all off, the darn stress ruined the bed time songs. When a gal can't do a proper rendition of "Hey, Jude," somethin' just ain't right in the world.

Lost & Found

Today I received news that I did not get a job that I really wanted. A job that I thought, in my delusional thoughts, was perfect for me and vice versa. Not only did I not get the job, I didn't even get a second interview.

This has me questioning a lot of things. Like what I know and what I don't (both practical knowledge and that intrinsic, intuitive knowledge). Like what I have been doing for the past 36 years - more specifically, the last 8 years - when I have been A) doing association work, and B) raising a child; both of which I would like to devote a number of the rest of my adult years to.

I've lost some things and I've found some things. Is it an even trade? It depends on the day; sometimes the hour. It also depends on who you ask.

I've lost confidence in my ability to network effectively with other adults. Because there is no news scroll on Noggin, I am woefully unprepared to hold a conversation on Obama's health care plan, the pros and cons of getting involved in the Iranian unrest (do I get points for knowing there is unrest?) or the latest trends in change management.

I have found the ability to engage preschoolers in a game of Infinity Questions (adults know it better as "20 Questions") on topics as broad on why it is NOT raining, why the Play-Doh is red and what makes glue stick.

I have lost three years of my career, where I could have been promoted to senior manager or maybe even department head (again, have I mentioned I am delusional?). This includes professional development, trends in association management, opportunities to be mentored and, perhaps, to mentor.

I have gained three and a half exceptional years with my son. Years that I would not trade for all the professional opportunity in the universe.

I have lost a great percentage of my professional confidence. Do I know how to effectively recruit and retain volunteers? Can I still write a successful communication and marketing plan? Could I EVER? I don;t even know anymore.

I have found maternal instincts that I never thought I had and never believed I even wanted. This includes trusting my gut when it comes to discipline, nutrition, education and many other aspects of making sure my phenomenal boy turns into a happy, healthy, productive member of society.

I've lost confidence, found loads of doubt. Lost security and found a whole new world of worry.

I've lost time. And I've found it.